Online Clips Archive

Idea Revisited: JSinglesSpace and the Continuity Cafe

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The piece below originally appeared as part of the Jewish Week’s “Big Ideas” Issue in December of 2006 and decried a lack of research on Jewish singles and suggested a center for research of single life which could double as a young community center and living space for single Jews.

Very recently, researcher Steven M Cohen produced “Uncoupled: How Our Singles are Reshaping Jewish Engagement,” a study about unmarried 20-somethings and 30-somethings and their habits regarding connection to Jewish life. (He’s speaking at the PresenTense Institute this Thursday at 1pm, and I’ve been invited to comment in response. See here for directions.)

But the more I think about it and write about it (on JDatersAnonymous and in the creation of a book proposal on the subject of Jewish singles), and the more I see of the communal approach of the PresenTense Institute, the more relevant I think a proposal like this is–people have their own projects and interests, but the spirit of the collective inspires individuals and their creativity. While this piece was written for the Jewish Week and therefore centered on New York City, the truth is that such an institute could exist in another major city somewhere–Chicago, LA, San Francisco or Jerusalem–and would yield interesting research as well as perhaps some interesting friendships and relationships.

So here’s the piece again for your re-consideration. Looking forward to the discussion. (And yes, the piece is available for reprints–reasonable rates, just ask.)

JSinglesSpace and the Continuity Cafe
by Esther D. Kustanowitz

Each year, a new crop of idealistic Jewish twentysomethings moves to New York City in an attempt to forge romantic futures and financial fortunes in the city that never sleeps. The number of people crammed into Upper West Side two-bedroom apartments that were converted to three to accommodate each year’s immigrant singles thematically recalls Lower East Side tenement days. 10024 has so many single Jewish women that they may not even all show up in a JDate zip code search (a true story from JDate customer service). And many of those twentysomethings stay uncoupled until they’re thirtysomething or fortysomething, clustering in tribes of the seemingly-eternally single. But despite all of these fascinating trends, academic studies have yet to focus on Jewish singles anywhere, let alone within the borders of New York City.
(more…)

Last Jewish Week Singles Column: “Know When to Walk Away”

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I wrote the thing weeks ago, but then found myself in Tmol Shilshom, a Jerusalem restaurant where the theme is books. Surrounded by the works of famous Hebrew and English authors, I finished the final column. I usually don’t reprint the entire thing on my blog, but it will be the last time, so I wanted to share.

    (And yes, columns are still available for reprint.)

Thanks to everyone for their support for the column over the last four and a half years, as well as your commitment to this ongoing conversation.

“Know When to Walk Away”
by Esther D. Kustanowitz

How does one become a Jewish singles columnist, anyway? On recent reflection, it has occurred to me that perhaps I’ve only found myself here, an untrained sociologist Jane Goodall-ing it in the singles jungle, because of the metaphorical significance and transformative power of transit.

Several years ago, during a work trip to Israel, I had been picked up at the airport by a taxi and was traveling to Jerusalem when the driver began making Hebrew conversation. It started innocently, with a “welcome to Israel” and “what are you doing here?” and ended in a question I didn’t quite understand. “At revakah?” he asked. “Revakah?” I asked. “Revakah zeh lo nesuah (‘revakah’ means ‘not married’).”

I had never heard the word before. Most of my Hebrew was biblical, and most unmarried biblical women were referred to as betulah, which most English Bibles translate as “virgin.” Where, linguistically, could “revakah” have come from? I tried to “shoresh it out,” parsing the word and looking for a root. Since it was unlikely that the resh-vav-kuf could be read as “rock,” the best logical word origin I could find was the word reyk, meaning empty. If Genesis was right and it was “not good for a person to be alone,” then was it a huge leap to identify a person who hadn’t found their soul mate as, to an extent, empty? The Hebrew language seemed to think not. In that moment, an idea began its path of transit.

More recently, I was on a bus, spiraling down the West Coast. The sea was out of sight, and clouds sagged low over the mountains, which rolled past the windows as if they were on a conveyor belt, and I was the one who was standing still. I knew it was an illusion; the bus moved, and the scenery passed, but instead of feeling like an active participant in our progress, I felt detached and stagnant. Noticing the vast expanse of Northern California land, I felt the solitude descend, a curtain closing on a dramatic chapter.
At the end of that trip down the coast, I found myself thinking about journeys, the constant wandering of being in transit, and — because I was headed to Las Vegas — the song lyric that urged me to “know when to hold ‘em, know when to fold ‘em.” I knew I wasn’t quite at “know when to run,” but “know when to walk away” began to resonate strongly. I don’t like leaving my destiny to chance — heading off into the great unknown has never been an area of comfort for me. But it became clear that any more hands of solitaire or broken gambling metaphors, and I would risk the erosion of the parts of me that I’m most proud of, precisely the ones I’d hoped to one day share with a family.

My four years writing this column seem commensurate to an academic degree in relationships, yet somehow I’m ABD, and without the coveted “M.R.S.” degree. Perhaps I need to concentrate on field work, move beyond the theoretical into the actual. This column has been the longest relationship of my life. But I can’t marry a column. The transition will be one of the hardest things I’ve had to do, but I think that it’s time.

I don’t know what is or isn’t in the cards for me. If God is calling the shots, I’d like to believe that the Deity wants me to be happier than I am, if only selfishly, for the strengthening of my faith weakened by staying single. I’d still like to be able to contribute to the expansion of the nuclear family I’m already so blessed to have. Or perhaps I’m committing hubris — an English major’s favorite sin — by thinking that I’m on God’s agenda at all. I’m aware that my life has been a series of unique opportunities that have been both humbling and a blessing. It may make me selfish, but I’d still hoped to have more.

There has to be more than just the illusion of progress. It’s a gamble, but every change is. It’s time to put one foot in front of the other, fix my eyes on the future, and walk away from what’s comfortable, into what might, one day, be possible. I’m in transit again. Let the chips fall where they may. And next time an Israeli taxi driver asks me to define my status, whatever it is, I intend to celebrate it.


Esther D. Kustanowitz thanks her editors, readers, family and friends for their support of this column and her obsession with Hebrew. In her “retirement,” she will be working on her book about living Jewish and single, and will continue to blog at MyUrbanKvetch.com and JDatersAnonymous.com, among other places. You can always reach her at jdatersanonymous@gmail.com.

“Jews’ Line is It Anyway?”: Why the Chosen People Choose Improv

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Recently, I noticed that Jews seem to be enjoying a bit of the improv….and wondered why. Was there something innately Jewish about the art of thinking on your feet, being in the moment and working without a script?

Check out the article, in Issue 4 of PresenTense Magazine, here.

PresenTense Magazine: Issue 4 available now!

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The new issue of PresenTense Magazine is out! See below for a sample of the laid-out magazine, or check here for a link to the TOC, to access individual articles, including my latest, “Jew’s Line Is It Anyway? Why The Chosen People Choose Improv.”

We’re churning out another issue for Israel’s 60th, so if you’re interested in advertising in that issue, or distributing either Issue 4 or the upcoming 5, let us know!

February/March Wrapup

Where have I been all month? Between the Israelity Tour (read my blog posts here) and the Jewlicious Festival (http://jewliciousfestival.com), February was all about the West Coast for me. And seriously, the rumors are true: the February weather is much nicer in LA than in NYC. Since I got back, March has been all about my new nephew and, of course, settling back into something resembling a routine.

New singles columns in the Jewish Week:
Looking Out for Number 2
Oddly Enough: Jewish Singles Edition
Don’t Worry: Be Single Happy
Status Symbol

There’s also a new issue of PresenTense Magazine out…check it out, and especially my article about why the chosen people choose improv, here.

Until I get this site’s act together, feel free to check in with my other sites, MyUrbankvetch and JDatersAnonymous, to see all of my online endeavors and offline publications.

“Chivalry” Revisited

The Jewish Journal reprinted my column on chivalry…check it out here!

JW-“Table for More than Two”

Why can’t singles just meet over a nice Shabbat dinner? This column focuses on an L.A.-based, rabbi-originated program to help Jewish singles in their 30s and 40s do just that.

Read “Table for More Than Two” here.

New Column; Upcoming Appearances

After Yom Kippur, I found myself tapping away at my keyboard, Bradshawlike yet again, and dipping into the primordial ooze of “The Blame Game.”

Coming soon…gigs and conferences. You gonna be there?

October 21, American Zionist Movement Biennial, Evening Plenary (Newark, NJ)
October 28-30, Professional Leaders Project (Santa Monica, CA)
November 8, Rutgers New Jersey Jewish Film Festival, “Matchmaker: In Search of a Kosher Man” discussion. 9pm (New Brunswick, NJ)
November 12, UJC General Assembly, Next Generation Panel, 9-10:15 am (Nashville, TN)

Two Columns You Might Have Missed

The holidays snuck up, and I forgot to share all my columns. So, if you haven’t been checking them out at my Recent Writings page, here are the direct links:

My new column, "On the Record," is now online at the Jewish Week website. An excerpt:

There are always things we keep to ourselves. A journalist will
occasionally encounter a source who grants an anonymous or “off the record” interview, often because of concern about the source’s job, a family member or some other sensitive issue. The Fifth Amendment of the U.S. Constitution — which, among other things, protects witnesses from having to incriminate themselves — is often rendered, in Miranda Warning format, by local or television law enforcement, as the right to remain silent. Even our dearest friends have their secrets.

I blog and write on the record, but I am occasionally tempted by the prospect of anonymity; if my name were not attached, I might be more fearless and truthful. However, as someone who believes in the sanctity of word choice, I think that speech, commentary and conversation should be on the record. “Off the record” should be a worst-case scenario, not a default setting.

And the column before that, “Courtship, Connection, Community and Chemistry“:

Ask anyone who’s been in the singles scene for more than five minutes: Passion is not something that can be artificially created — nurtured, with the right raw materials and weather conditions (and, some would add, with divine assistance), perhaps. But expecting people to summon passion at will for an event that’s already been planned without their input is like an arranged marriage: it might have worked once upon a shtetl, when unions were communally determined. But nowadays — whether you like it or not — people are making their own choices according to what turns them on emotionally, spiritually, or socially. They might choose to affiliate with the existing Jewish community, or they might create their own modes of engaging with their Jewish identity. Or they may opt out entirely — choosing to remain free agents, or to stick with the analogy, spiritual bachelors, free to wander, to pick and choose their venues and non-committed level of engagement.

Duchovny and Me

OK, so that’s not the name of his new Showtime show. But David Duchovny is back, and I’ve reviewed the first episode of the raunchy new series, “Californication.” Over at Beliefnet

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