Two Jews, Three Blogs: Inside Jokes, Inner Dissent and Inner Life from Bloggers of the Tribe (PDF, page 13)
Zionism and Me: Wrestling With Israel
The Hebrew Slanguage: Unpacking the Junk from Israel’s Trunk (with Jacob Shwirtz)
Man With a Plan: Avi Liberman (profile)
Jews’ Line Is It Anyway? Why the Chosen People Choose Improv

Every article I wrote there was about something important to me, and it was a real treat to be able to explore those issues in print, for an audience of my peers. Interested in reprints? Contact me and we’ll talk about the possibilities…

I also did three radio interviews, for Galei Tzahal (Army Radio) and Reshet Bet (Channel 2) in Hebrew and for IsraelRadio in English. (Links to come when I have them.) The Hebrew interviews were difficult, but hopefully I didn’t sound too insane. You’ll be the judge of that when the links go up, I’m sure…

Here are some links to press coverage which contain quotes from me:
Jewish Journal (Los Angeles)
Ynet (Hebrew)
Ynet (English)

Shabbat shalom from Jerusalem.

Just another week in Idol Chatter. Click on the links and enjoy the marginally-spiritually-related dysfunction of our celebrities. (And send good thoughts to Christina, if you’re so inclined.)

If I’m not there, I’ll be wandering around the conference, attending other sessions, and presiding over the Bloggers Cafe (Monday and Wednesday from 4:15-5:30, in Votey 206), where novice and seasoned bloggers will have the chance to put what they’ve learned into practice. Come on by!

8/11/2008 Monday 10:15 AM - 11:30 AM
People of the Blog I: The Basics of Jewish Blogging
Votey 205

8/11/2008 Monday 12:30 PM - 1:45 PM
What a Shayne Facebook: Social Media and Next Generation Jews
Votey 205

8/12/2008 Tuesday 10:15 am - 11:30 am
People of the Blog II: Jewish Blogging Strategy
Votey 2005

I’m in Israel for the summer, meeting different people (and eating new things apparently) and doing business in Jerusalem and Tel Aviv. While it’s a surreal life, it’s an exciting one. Follow my experiences at MyUrbanKvetch.com, or see below, where I’ll list the posts as they go up.

What I Learned at Google
Geek Tiyul (PICZ Goes North)

Shout: The Pride Parade and the Quest for Identity

Scoop’d: How to Eat Hummus Like an Israeli

TV Show Nails Religious Singles Scene in Jerusalem

ROI Summit Concludes, Esther Crashes

Holy Hip-Hop! Pre-Sabbath Breakdancing in the Holy Land
Old and New in the Israeli Hip-Hop Scene
Tagged in Tel Aviv
In Honor of the Sex and the City Movie: Who’s Your Favorite Man?

Eurovision 2008, Liveblogged from Jerusalem

Football Jewligans in Gan Sacher

Tel Aviv Intermezzo

“You’ve Got a Friend”: Modern Dance Invades President’s Conference
President’s Conference Day 2 (cont’d): Future of Jewish Leadership

Adventures in Israeli Cuisine, or “What’s That On My Plate?”

President’s Conference Day 2: Opening Plenary

President’s Conference Day 2: Writers Facing Tomorrow

President’s Conference Day 1: In Brief

President’s Conference Day 1: Pre-Conference Contemplation

May in Jerusalem

Very recently, researcher Steven M Cohen produced “Uncoupled: How Our Singles are Reshaping Jewish Engagement,” a study about unmarried 20-somethings and 30-somethings and their habits regarding connection to Jewish life. (He’s speaking at the PresenTense Institute this Thursday at 1pm, and I’ve been invited to comment in response. See here for directions.)

But the more I think about it and write about it (on JDatersAnonymous and in the creation of a book proposal on the subject of Jewish singles), and the more I see of the communal approach of the PresenTense Institute, the more relevant I think a proposal like this is–people have their own projects and interests, but the spirit of the collective inspires individuals and their creativity. While this piece was written for the Jewish Week and therefore centered on New York City, the truth is that such an institute could exist in another major city somewhere–Chicago, LA, San Francisco or Jerusalem–and would yield interesting research as well as perhaps some interesting friendships and relationships.

So here’s the piece again for your re-consideration. Looking forward to the discussion. (And yes, the piece is available for reprints–reasonable rates, just ask.)

JSinglesSpace and the Continuity Cafe
by Esther D. Kustanowitz

Each year, a new crop of idealistic Jewish twentysomethings moves to New York City in an attempt to forge romantic futures and financial fortunes in the city that never sleeps. The number of people crammed into Upper West Side two-bedroom apartments that were converted to three to accommodate each year’s immigrant singles thematically recalls Lower East Side tenement days. 10024 has so many single Jewish women that they may not even all show up in a JDate zip code search (a true story from JDate customer service). And many of those twentysomethings stay uncoupled until they’re thirtysomething or fortysomething, clustering in tribes of the seemingly-eternally single. But despite all of these fascinating trends, academic studies have yet to focus on Jewish singles anywhere, let alone within the borders of New York City.

Perhaps this is partly because the community would rather focus on “desingling” singles—fixing what’s broken by fixing us up—than ask us if there’s anything it can do to help provide a structure that would make Jewish life more meaningful for us while we are single. Or maybe the community thinks that we’re not motivated to “move on” to the marriage and children stage that institutional Judaism is much more comfortable with because we’re happy with our single status. One look at the regular Upper West Side scene would support this—people going from one party to the next; never two nights in the same venue or under the aegis of the same Makor or JCC or synagogue; throwing huge Shabbat dinners where everyone just comes and meets and eats and drinks.

While this enthusiasm for the single life certainly exists, the excitement wanes. The longer a Jewish man, or especially, a Jewish woman, is single, the more acutely s/he realizes that traditional, institutional Judaism itself is meant for families. The singles events begin to lose what little appeal they might have had to begin with, and as listlessness and tedium set in, “the scene”—which for the observant or traditionally connected Jew or Jewess, includes synagogues, community centers, fundraising initiatives, outreach institutes and any number of “events lists” sent by friends and community machers—becomes another pathetic obligation, fulfilled because of family guilt or because our married friends are urging us to “put ourselves out there.” At this point, companionship is still a major drive. But when affiliation with the traditional structures of Jewish life holds little appeal to some singles, they can find themselves marooned in spiritual and social solitude while others have gone on to find fulfilling relationships.

It seems clear that the Jewish communal world needs to better understand its singles. But for all the discussions of Jewish demography, Jewish continuity and Gen-X and Y identification with so-called “hipster” Judaism, there seems to be surprisingly little effort applied to understanding what makes singles tick—socially and spiritually.

Columbia has its School of International and Public Affairs. Penn has Wharton. Brandeis has numerous academic institutes, including five centers relating to Jewish concerns (and not even counting their Middle East Institute). But nowhere is there an academic Institute on Jewish Single Life, a serious analysis that would treat singles as a demographic vital to the constant conversation on Jewish continuity rather than a phenomenon or, as some organizations have decreed, a catastrophe.

Ideally, such an Institute will be religiously independent and academically multidisciplinary. A team of top-level demographers, professors, rabbis, educators, social workers, dating coaches, sociologists, anthropologists, matchmakers and lay leaders will meet in cross-denominational task forces to determine the Institute’s areas of focus, such as demographic trends and population statistics, how single life affects spiritual practice, and whether economic background plays a role in what people look for in a spouse. All efforts will be made to ensure that the teams include people of varying marital status. Teams will also begin a comprehensive assessment of community structures and programs, beginning on the local level and then expanding studies to the national level in partnership with existing academic research institutes.

While the Institute will aim for national impact, the building itself will live in New York City. Some might complain that such a plan is New York-centric. But an Upper West Side location is key, because it allows for access to the most intensive cross-section of singles from across the range of Jewish religious observance. Nearly every apartment, kosher market, subway platform or street corner is an instant focus group. Additionally, it geographically positions the institute between major institutions of Jewish learning, with HUC-JIR downtown, YU in Washington Heights and with Yeshivat Chovevei Torah and JTS as neighbors. Hopefully, these institutions will also find common ground; engaging in partnerships that conduct an honest investigation into single Jewish life, they will propose a plan allowing for increased roles for single people within the framework of the Jewish community and tradition. Or at the least, they’ll agree to disagree, maybe even respectfully.

Another thing that will distinguish the Institute is its physical location: it will be located in a building which, depending on living capacity, will also house between ten and thirty singles of varying professions, family backgrounds and religious affiliations. In exchange for subsidized rent, residents will function either as research and programming assistants or as “product testers” and members of focus groups. This will provide an on-site living laboratory for research. For example, if a study is assessing the projected generalization that people misrepresent themselves online—with men claiming three more inches of height and women three pounds fewer in weight than reality indicates—house residents will be asked to assess the online dating profiles of their fellow residents to determine whether these generalizations are true. Residential amenities will include in-house counseling services by RAs (Relationship Advisors), an extensive Jewish and relationships-themed library, and a laundry room.

The Institute will also house an events space suitable for up to two hundred guests. The space (JSingleSpace-NYC) will be available to any Jewish young professionals’ organization at a low rental fee as long as events cater to the Jewish 20s-40s population and provide the participants with an opt-in email list to become part of future online and in-person focus groups. Event organizers will also submit a program assessment to the Institute within a week after the event. This will provide an ongoing pool of human resources for the Institute and also create a Jewish singles events archive, with each event assessed for its efficacy in creating a productive environment for singles. The Institute will also house The Continuity Café, a coffee bar and cocktail lounge with good coffee, a fully stocked bar, fresh kosher baked goods and sandwiches, and free high-speed wireless access, providing singles with a casual, friendly place to hang out and meet dates for happy hour.

What remains, as often does once Big Ideas are proposed, is the question of funding. While the idea of having an academic partner makes sense, an affiliation with one particular funder (or even a group of funders) could carry a bias or an expectation that certain studies would be pursued or results reported. Perhaps the best approach would be to center the financial burden of the Institute on the business that anchors the academia: JSinglesSpace-NYC. Relying on The Continuity Café to live up to its name will allow single patrons of the Institute to re-invest their drinking dollars in themselves and mingle with their peers, while freeing the Institute from dependence on foundations and their organizational priorities. Creating individual “memberships” would offer a longer-term level of commitment to the mission of the Institute. It could even provide an opportunity for observant Jews to rent JSinglesSpace-NYC for new indie minyanim, or to pay in advance for refreshments at The Continuity Café, so the space could host a Shabbat afternoon oneg without violating the Sabbath.

To be sure, there are details to be worked out—a location needs to be secured, staff needs to be interviewed and hired, and there’s still the matter of trying to run a business in one of the most expensive neighborhoods in New York City. But by using eventual business profits instead of demanding grants from the Jewish community, the Institute, JSinglesSpace and The Continuity Café will to make a difference in the qualitative life of Jewish singles, making a palpable impact on contemporary Jewish life while providing a service vital to the pace of this energetic city. By recommitting to caffeine, the community will be funding the Jewish future. Consider it coffee for continuity.

Esther D. Kustanowitz has agreed to direct The Continuity Café, but only if it comes with a decent salary, benefits, and a cappuccino machine.

For more info about my involvement with this summit of Jewish innovators from all over the world, check out these posts at ROI120.com, and this article in the NY Blueprint.

Stay tuned for more.

Thanks to everyone for their support for the column over the last four and a half years, as well as your commitment to this ongoing conversation.

“Know When to Walk Away”
by Esther D. Kustanowitz

How does one become a Jewish singles columnist, anyway? On recent reflection, it has occurred to me that perhaps I’ve only found myself here, an untrained sociologist Jane Goodall-ing it in the singles jungle, because of the metaphorical significance and transformative power of transit.

Several years ago, during a work trip to Israel, I had been picked up at the airport by a taxi and was traveling to Jerusalem when the driver began making Hebrew conversation. It started innocently, with a “welcome to Israel” and “what are you doing here?” and ended in a question I didn’t quite understand. “At revakah?” he asked. “Revakah?” I asked. “Revakah zeh lo nesuah (‘revakah’ means ‘not married’).”

I had never heard the word before. Most of my Hebrew was biblical, and most unmarried biblical women were referred to as betulah, which most English Bibles translate as “virgin.” Where, linguistically, could “revakah” have come from? I tried to “shoresh it out,” parsing the word and looking for a root. Since it was unlikely that the resh-vav-kuf could be read as “rock,” the best logical word origin I could find was the word reyk, meaning empty. If Genesis was right and it was “not good for a person to be alone,” then was it a huge leap to identify a person who hadn’t found their soul mate as, to an extent, empty? The Hebrew language seemed to think not. In that moment, an idea began its path of transit.

More recently, I was on a bus, spiraling down the West Coast. The sea was out of sight, and clouds sagged low over the mountains, which rolled past the windows as if they were on a conveyor belt, and I was the one who was standing still. I knew it was an illusion; the bus moved, and the scenery passed, but instead of feeling like an active participant in our progress, I felt detached and stagnant. Noticing the vast expanse of Northern California land, I felt the solitude descend, a curtain closing on a dramatic chapter.
At the end of that trip down the coast, I found myself thinking about journeys, the constant wandering of being in transit, and — because I was headed to Las Vegas — the song lyric that urged me to “know when to hold ‘em, know when to fold ‘em.” I knew I wasn’t quite at “know when to run,” but “know when to walk away” began to resonate strongly. I don’t like leaving my destiny to chance — heading off into the great unknown has never been an area of comfort for me. But it became clear that any more hands of solitaire or broken gambling metaphors, and I would risk the erosion of the parts of me that I’m most proud of, precisely the ones I’d hoped to one day share with a family.

My four years writing this column seem commensurate to an academic degree in relationships, yet somehow I’m ABD, and without the coveted “M.R.S.” degree. Perhaps I need to concentrate on field work, move beyond the theoretical into the actual. This column has been the longest relationship of my life. But I can’t marry a column. The transition will be one of the hardest things I’ve had to do, but I think that it’s time.

I don’t know what is or isn’t in the cards for me. If God is calling the shots, I’d like to believe that the Deity wants me to be happier than I am, if only selfishly, for the strengthening of my faith weakened by staying single. I’d still like to be able to contribute to the expansion of the nuclear family I’m already so blessed to have. Or perhaps I’m committing hubris — an English major’s favorite sin — by thinking that I’m on God’s agenda at all. I’m aware that my life has been a series of unique opportunities that have been both humbling and a blessing. It may make me selfish, but I’d still hoped to have more.

There has to be more than just the illusion of progress. It’s a gamble, but every change is. It’s time to put one foot in front of the other, fix my eyes on the future, and walk away from what’s comfortable, into what might, one day, be possible. I’m in transit again. Let the chips fall where they may. And next time an Israeli taxi driver asks me to define my status, whatever it is, I intend to celebrate it.

Esther D. Kustanowitz thanks her editors, readers, family and friends for their support of this column and her obsession with Hebrew. In her “retirement,” she will be working on her book about living Jewish and single, and will continue to blog at MyUrbanKvetch.com and JDatersAnonymous.com, among other places. You can always reach her at jdatersanonymous@gmail.com.

An excerpt:

2008 was about a week old when the influx of matchmaker-related services started hurling themselves like Anna Karenina on the tracks of my singles-columnist life. “Are you a matchmaker?” a reader from Israel queries. “Have you ever used a matchmaker?” asks a friend in Arizona. A matchmaker emails, not about a match, but to insist that I remove a benign blog announcement about one of her events. She is attempting to cleanse the internet of all mentions of her that aren’t glowing testimonials. The e-mails are constant — from SawYouAtSinai and JRetromatch; from individual matchmakers; from articles in newspapers, from blog posts, and of course, from my Facebook friends. Is 2008 the Year of the Matchmaker?

Year of the Matchmaker?” one friend snarked. “Is that like the Year of the Rat?” (Um, sometimes.) As the year continues, so does the trend. A newspaper requests a comment about matchmaking. A magazine pegs me to do an in-depth story about matchmaking, for virtually no money. (No thank you.) I get an e-mail about the “Make-a-Shidduch Foundation” name, which is only a “Shidduch” away from the “Wish” that another organization grants to kids with cancer.

And then there are the stories: Friend 1’s matchmaker told her she isn’t attractive enough for that yenta’s clientele. Friend 2 tells me of her matchmaker’s assessment: that — even though her salary is at least triple mine — she is unmatchable because she doesn’t have a college degree. Friend 3 notes that her matchmaker has matched her with men incapable of basic conversation, “not appropriate for her on any level.”

I know it works for some people, and God bless them. But I admit my bias: I don’t love matchmakers. I had a very lovely matchmaker on Saw You at Sinai, but no successful matches resulted. An offline matchmaker with a religious clientele first expressed horror at my “single, never-married” status (“What? Not divorced? Not widowed?”), and tried to match me with secular men opposed to Shabbat and kashrut, because in her book, that’s what Conservadoxy was. One religious blogger I know reported that her friend had uploaded a new photo to her online matchmaker, and received a note back from the shadchan with the word “EW” in the subject line and a body text that included “berating and ridiculing remarks regarding this woman’s picture.”

Thanks to everyone who helped out with this. I protected your identities, but am happy to identify you (with a link if you’d like…) with your permission…Read more here.